Tag Archives: Drinking

Drinking University: Morning After 101

Welcome to Morning After 101!

Now, if you’ve been out drinking or hell, if you’ve been out all night and are reporting for duty with no sleep, here are the game day rules for a massive hangover. This has allowed me to stay gainfully employed.

1. Upon rising, TAKE A SHOWER. Do not skip this. Even if you only have 15 minutes to prepare for wherever you need to be; even if a shower will make you late, a shower must be involved. The reasons for a shower are:

a) it’s worth it – it feels good

b) absolutely necessary. You must wash off whatever occurred. It probably wasn’t just alcohol, you filthy animal.

2. Don’t forget your hair. I can your scowl and I’m scowling with you, ladies. As a long-haired comrade, washing long hair while being massively hungover and knowing that your bed is not the final destination is a painful experience. It must be done. Put your hair in a bun. Just keep thinking about how simple the bun is going to be. Buns are so chic.

You may encounter some roadblocks along your journey to readiness.

A. Lethargy.

After your shower, your bed may try to tempt you with warmth and coziness. This is a distraction. Avoid him and his tricks.  Concentrate on putting on comfortable clothes appropriate for work, and socks. They’ll make you warm. May I suggest leggings and a sweater?

B. Hunger.

Since you probably ate something before bed, you aren’t really hungry, you’re dehydrated. Going from the hot shower to the normal temperature of your bedroom made you nauseous. Sit yourself down with some juice or soda. Do not drink water. You’ll ruin everything. Obtain fluids with chemicals. I highly recommend diet soda or sprite. Caffeine is a miracle-worker.

Good, now you’re dressed and ready for the day! Squirt some Visine in those eyes if they look bloodshot and get our there, buck! The hardest part of the day is to come. 11am!

Note: If you have any desire to exercise, call out and go to bed. You’re way too drunk to go to work.

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Drinking University: Welcome!

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Studente/Studentessa,

Welcome to Drinking University! Congratulations on your acceptance! You’ve been accepted based upon your ability to party like a champion on the weekends and slowly watch your professional life disintegrate.

As the Dean of Drinking University, I have been in your place, and I can say that the courses provided here, free of charge, will teach you how to prevent letting everyone in your life know that you have a problem and possibly, end your “problem” altogether.

Luckily, you were rejected by Alcoholism College by lack of disease and addiction. You have the inability to continue drinking into the Monday morning workday AND manage to keep a full-time job, driver’s license and sanity. You’re doing something right. Just try to get somewhere on time. Anywhere, in fact would be a start.

Sincerely,

THE DEAN

xoxo

There are always signs leading the path

I remember an attempt to quit drinking after I woke up at my ex-boyfriend’s apartment, covered in bruises after a massive black-out episode. I was in his bed, naked and alone. The contents of my purse were covered in urine.

I swore I wasn’t drinking ever again. To all 6 million of my closest friends.

Until I went to an engagement party that Saturday and suddenly became very bored and terribly sad. It was like a wave washing over me, as I downed diet coke after diet coke and ate and ate and ate and ate. I wandered over to the bar for yet another watered down diet coke and looked around. I was alone.

I asked the bartender for another diet coke, but this time I asked for a little bit of Bacardi. He winked at me. I slurped it down and went back to my table. Not even 5 minutes later I got up again. Back to the bar. It was crowded, but I snuck back by the bartender and asked for a vodka and sprite.

I immediately felt better. My best friend came over and stood next to me. He sniffed my drink. He was already drunk and eyeing me suspiciously. “You’re drinking!” he exclaimed. I tried to defend myself. “No I’m not!”

I was lying now, too? Wow. Now I really had fallen from grace. But I couldn’t stop. I was still so bored and sad, and this was the only way to cure the mediocrity of my life while also numbing the sadness.

I started dancing.