Tag Archives: advice

Drinking University: Morning After 101

Welcome to Morning After 101!

Now, if you’ve been out drinking or hell, if you’ve been out all night and are reporting for duty with no sleep, here are the game day rules for a massive hangover. This has allowed me to stay gainfully employed.

1. Upon rising, TAKE A SHOWER. Do not skip this. Even if you only have 15 minutes to prepare for wherever you need to be; even if a shower will make you late, a shower must be involved. The reasons for a shower are:

a) it’s worth it – it feels good

b) absolutely necessary. You must wash off whatever occurred. It probably wasn’t just alcohol, you filthy animal.

2. Don’t forget your hair. I can your scowl and I’m scowling with you, ladies. As a long-haired comrade, washing long hair while being massively hungover and knowing that your bed is not the final destination is a painful experience. It must be done. Put your hair in a bun. Just keep thinking about how simple the bun is going to be. Buns are so chic.

You may encounter some roadblocks along your journey to readiness.

A. Lethargy.

After your shower, your bed may try to tempt you with warmth and coziness. This is a distraction. Avoid him and his tricks.  Concentrate on putting on comfortable clothes appropriate for work, and socks. They’ll make you warm. May I suggest leggings and a sweater?

B. Hunger.

Since you probably ate something before bed, you aren’t really hungry, you’re dehydrated. Going from the hot shower to the normal temperature of your bedroom made you nauseous. Sit yourself down with some juice or soda. Do not drink water. You’ll ruin everything. Obtain fluids with chemicals. I highly recommend diet soda or sprite. Caffeine is a miracle-worker.

Good, now you’re dressed and ready for the day! Squirt some Visine in those eyes if they look bloodshot and get our there, buck! The hardest part of the day is to come. 11am!

Note: If you have any desire to exercise, call out and go to bed. You’re way too drunk to go to work.

Whose Fault Is It Anyway?

I know that the article posted on salon.com regarding Kirsten Dunst’s comments about women inviting predators will garner much negative attention, because it isn’t popular to blame women for anything right now.

2014: “Oh, there’s something wrong with the baby? It must be our food supply! Antibiotic-free meat only in this house!”
“Oh, Sally the A+ student was raped by Johnny Be Good while walking around drunk and high wearing a thong and halter top and making out with him all night! Well, he should spend the rest of his life behind bars!”

Shift the history book back 65 years and women were blamed for everything:
“Oh, there’s something wrong with the baby? My wife must have not held him enough! I could see that cold glare!”
“Oh, Sally the A+ student was raped beat up by Johnny Be Good! That’s terrible. But she was asking for trouble staying out late on the wrong side of town and wearing a skirt so short.”

I’m not saying that women should be abused or that our food supply isn’t to blame, but I don’t believe in accidents. I think little Kiki’s quotes were taken out of context. Horrible things, such as forced sex in the movie industry, typically don’t happen by accident. Actresses know that the lunch “meeting” at a private residence with a producer/director/whatever he’s calling himself nowadays means something is going down. A man does not invite a pretty girl to lunch at a house for good conversation, unless the man is your dad, brother, uncle, or close relative.

I like to rethink bad events in my life that I term “happened to me,” because they didn’t happen to me. I was there. I was involved. I wasn’t a vegetable, comatose victim. I was a participant in the bad event. During the time of the event, I felt as if I had no control over the situation, but by being there, I had influence, and sometimes, even acted as the impetus of the terrible situation.

Believing you’re complete innocence in any situation removes culpability/wrongdoing and vindicates you. This provides temporary relief. However, this also eliminates you as a player from the game – it takes away any control you may have had during the event. This leaves you with the feeling that it could not have been prevented, and it could occur again, at any time, and with someone else.

Accepting that you were there, you were present, and you had a role, whether it was positive or negative gives you control into the future. You had an effect on the situation. You have control and you can prevent it from happening again.

Women, as a whole, should recognize how we are perceived by others, the situations that endanger us, and those that place us in a vulnerable role. The world is constantly changing and there is always hope that it will evolve to a better place but for now, this is how it is. Shouldn’t we use it to benefit us, rather than fighting against it?