Category Archives: Drinking University

Drinking University: The Key To Keep a Job

I know I’ve been slacking. Alot going on…
I haven’t posted the weekly advice I promised. But I’ll make up for that now. It’s never too late to receive advice.

The key to maintaining a job, whether it’s as a Vice President at Company X or putting together the hamburgers at McDonald’s, is showing up at the time people expect you there. When you arrive at work and you hear, “So-and-so is looking for you,” that’s not a good sign. Yep, just gotta be there, folks. 75% of the battle.

1. Make sure you arrive at work. Get there. Do whatever it takes. Do whatever you physically/mentally/financially need to do the night before/morning of to make sure that you wake up with enough time to get your butt through the door of your workplace so that your face is seen at a time that is normal (for you).

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The second, although not as big, is putting on airs, or keeping up appearances. I suck at this, because my facial expressions always give me away, and I can’t lie to save my life, but you can do much better than me.

You need to never discuss your W’s – the what/who/why/when/where of what took place the evening/morning prior. If anyone asks, you cooked dinner and fell asleep early. You have a: cold, bad allergies, your dog died, the beginnings of the flu, a stomach virus, MAKE SOMETHING UP. Or self-medicate. Two excedrin or Advil the night before and if necessary, Tums the next day. Power through.

2. You also need to keep up the charade the rest of the week, so be a bit mindful.

I’d like to dive more into appearances. When you are put together everyday at work, it makes the rough days even that much easier, and you’re less prone to suspicion. When you have nice things, like designer purses and expensive shoes, no one is going to guess that you’re so hungover a small child could get drunk if you gave them mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. They’re going to think you’re sick, or maybe you’re pregnant!? I’ve actually had colleagues ask me when they noticed I wasn’t feeling well. I’ve erupted into laughter, and then thrown up in the women’s restroom an hour later from sheer panic.

3. So, look nice, EVERYDAY, and make sure to not be that sloppy, dirty girl/guy at work. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you are that person.

The final bit is of course, make sure you get your work done. Pay attention to your email, take your phone with you at all times, and don’t turn it on silent, even if a text message sounds like an earthquake in your brain. Go for a walk around the block if you get sleepy. You’ll live to see another sunrise, and even though you’ll promise yourself you aren’t going to do this again, this will happen again. You’re human and prone to error.

4. Do some work, nothing tedious, nothing in Excel, and anything from higher ups IMMEDIATELY.

Drinking University: Morning After 101

Welcome to Morning After 101!

Now, if you’ve been out drinking or hell, if you’ve been out all night and are reporting for duty with no sleep, here are the game day rules for a massive hangover. This has allowed me to stay gainfully employed.

1. Upon rising, TAKE A SHOWER. Do not skip this. Even if you only have 15 minutes to prepare for wherever you need to be; even if a shower will make you late, a shower must be involved. The reasons for a shower are:

a) it’s worth it – it feels good

b) absolutely necessary. You must wash off whatever occurred. It probably wasn’t just alcohol, you filthy animal.

2. Don’t forget your hair. I can your scowl and I’m scowling with you, ladies. As a long-haired comrade, washing long hair while being massively hungover and knowing that your bed is not the final destination is a painful experience. It must be done. Put your hair in a bun. Just keep thinking about how simple the bun is going to be. Buns are so chic.

You may encounter some roadblocks along your journey to readiness.

A. Lethargy.

After your shower, your bed may try to tempt you with warmth and coziness. This is a distraction. Avoid him and his tricks.  Concentrate on putting on comfortable clothes appropriate for work, and socks. They’ll make you warm. May I suggest leggings and a sweater?

B. Hunger.

Since you probably ate something before bed, you aren’t really hungry, you’re dehydrated. Going from the hot shower to the normal temperature of your bedroom made you nauseous. Sit yourself down with some juice or soda. Do not drink water. You’ll ruin everything. Obtain fluids with chemicals. I highly recommend diet soda or sprite. Caffeine is a miracle-worker.

Good, now you’re dressed and ready for the day! Squirt some Visine in those eyes if they look bloodshot and get our there, buck! The hardest part of the day is to come. 11am!

Note: If you have any desire to exercise, call out and go to bed. You’re way too drunk to go to work.

Drinking University: Welcome!

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Studente/Studentessa,

Welcome to Drinking University! Congratulations on your acceptance! You’ve been accepted based upon your ability to party like a champion on the weekends and slowly watch your professional life disintegrate.

As the Dean of Drinking University, I have been in your place, and I can say that the courses provided here, free of charge, will teach you how to prevent letting everyone in your life know that you have a problem and possibly, end your “problem” altogether.

Luckily, you were rejected by Alcoholism College by lack of disease and addiction. You have the inability to continue drinking into the Monday morning workday AND manage to keep a full-time job, driver’s license and sanity. You’re doing something right. Just try to get somewhere on time. Anywhere, in fact would be a start.

Sincerely,

THE DEAN

xoxo