Drinking University: Morning After 101

Welcome to Morning After 101!

Now, if you’ve been out drinking or hell, if you’ve been out all night and are reporting for duty with no sleep, here are the game day rules for a massive hangover. This has allowed me to stay gainfully employed.

1. Upon rising, TAKE A SHOWER. Do not skip this. Even if you only have 15 minutes to prepare for wherever you need to be; even if a shower will make you late, a shower must be involved. The reasons for a shower are:

a) it’s worth it – it feels good

b) absolutely necessary. You must wash off whatever occurred. It probably wasn’t just alcohol, you filthy animal.

2. Don’t forget your hair. I can your scowl and I’m scowling with you, ladies. As a long-haired comrade, washing long hair while being massively hungover and knowing that your bed is not the final destination is a painful experience. It must be done. Put your hair in a bun. Just keep thinking about how simple the bun is going to be. Buns are so chic.

You may encounter some roadblocks along your journey to readiness.

A. Lethargy.

After your shower, your bed may try to tempt you with warmth and coziness. This is a distraction. Avoid him and his tricks. ¬†Concentrate on putting on comfortable clothes appropriate for work, and socks. They’ll make you warm. May I suggest leggings and a sweater?

B. Hunger.

Since you probably ate something before bed, you aren’t really hungry, you’re dehydrated. Going from the hot shower to the normal temperature of your bedroom made you nauseous. Sit yourself down with some juice or soda. Do not drink water. You’ll ruin everything. Obtain fluids with chemicals. I highly recommend diet soda or sprite. Caffeine is a miracle-worker.

Good, now you’re dressed and ready for the day! Squirt some Visine in those eyes if they look bloodshot and get our there, buck! The hardest part of the day is to come. 11am!

Note: If you have any desire to exercise, call out and go to bed. You’re way too drunk to go to work.

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