Monthly Archives: April 2014

Drinking University: Morning After 101

Welcome to Morning After 101!

Now, if you’ve been out drinking or hell, if you’ve been out all night and are reporting for duty with no sleep, here are the game day rules for a massive hangover. This has allowed me to stay gainfully employed.

1. Upon rising, TAKE A SHOWER. Do not skip this. Even if you only have 15 minutes to prepare for wherever you need to be; even if a shower will make you late, a shower must be involved. The reasons for a shower are:

a) it’s worth it – it feels good

b) absolutely necessary. You must wash off whatever occurred. It probably wasn’t just alcohol, you filthy animal.

2. Don’t forget your hair. I can your scowl and I’m scowling with you, ladies. As a long-haired comrade, washing long hair while being massively hungover and knowing that your bed is not the final destination is a painful experience. It must be done. Put your hair in a bun. Just keep thinking about how simple the bun is going to be. Buns are so chic.

You may encounter some roadblocks along your journey to readiness.

A. Lethargy.

After your shower, your bed may try to tempt you with warmth and coziness. This is a distraction. Avoid him and his tricks.  Concentrate on putting on comfortable clothes appropriate for work, and socks. They’ll make you warm. May I suggest leggings and a sweater?

B. Hunger.

Since you probably ate something before bed, you aren’t really hungry, you’re dehydrated. Going from the hot shower to the normal temperature of your bedroom made you nauseous. Sit yourself down with some juice or soda. Do not drink water. You’ll ruin everything. Obtain fluids with chemicals. I highly recommend diet soda or sprite. Caffeine is a miracle-worker.

Good, now you’re dressed and ready for the day! Squirt some Visine in those eyes if they look bloodshot and get our there, buck! The hardest part of the day is to come. 11am!

Note: If you have any desire to exercise, call out and go to bed. You’re way too drunk to go to work.

Whose Fault Is It Anyway?

I know that the article posted on salon.com regarding Kirsten Dunst’s comments about women inviting predators will garner much negative attention, because it isn’t popular to blame women for anything right now.

2014: “Oh, there’s something wrong with the baby? It must be our food supply! Antibiotic-free meat only in this house!”
“Oh, Sally the A+ student was raped by Johnny Be Good while walking around drunk and high wearing a thong and halter top and making out with him all night! Well, he should spend the rest of his life behind bars!”

Shift the history book back 65 years and women were blamed for everything:
“Oh, there’s something wrong with the baby? My wife must have not held him enough! I could see that cold glare!”
“Oh, Sally the A+ student was raped beat up by Johnny Be Good! That’s terrible. But she was asking for trouble staying out late on the wrong side of town and wearing a skirt so short.”

I’m not saying that women should be abused or that our food supply isn’t to blame, but I don’t believe in accidents. I think little Kiki’s quotes were taken out of context. Horrible things, such as forced sex in the movie industry, typically don’t happen by accident. Actresses know that the lunch “meeting” at a private residence with a producer/director/whatever he’s calling himself nowadays means something is going down. A man does not invite a pretty girl to lunch at a house for good conversation, unless the man is your dad, brother, uncle, or close relative.

I like to rethink bad events in my life that I term “happened to me,” because they didn’t happen to me. I was there. I was involved. I wasn’t a vegetable, comatose victim. I was a participant in the bad event. During the time of the event, I felt as if I had no control over the situation, but by being there, I had influence, and sometimes, even acted as the impetus of the terrible situation.

Believing you’re complete innocence in any situation removes culpability/wrongdoing and vindicates you. This provides temporary relief. However, this also eliminates you as a player from the game – it takes away any control you may have had during the event. This leaves you with the feeling that it could not have been prevented, and it could occur again, at any time, and with someone else.

Accepting that you were there, you were present, and you had a role, whether it was positive or negative gives you control into the future. You had an effect on the situation. You have control and you can prevent it from happening again.

Women, as a whole, should recognize how we are perceived by others, the situations that endanger us, and those that place us in a vulnerable role. The world is constantly changing and there is always hope that it will evolve to a better place but for now, this is how it is. Shouldn’t we use it to benefit us, rather than fighting against it?

Drinking University: Welcome!

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Studente/Studentessa,

Welcome to Drinking University! Congratulations on your acceptance! You’ve been accepted based upon your ability to party like a champion on the weekends and slowly watch your professional life disintegrate.

As the Dean of Drinking University, I have been in your place, and I can say that the courses provided here, free of charge, will teach you how to prevent letting everyone in your life know that you have a problem and possibly, end your “problem” altogether.

Luckily, you were rejected by Alcoholism College by lack of disease and addiction. You have the inability to continue drinking into the Monday morning workday AND manage to keep a full-time job, driver’s license and sanity. You’re doing something right. Just try to get somewhere on time. Anywhere, in fact would be a start.

Sincerely,

THE DEAN

xoxo

I waited for the articles to pour from every outlet; about how she was more than a fabulous designer, more than a name of notoriety; a wonderful person. I have every confidence that she was each and every thing that her friends say she was.

She was truly confident and self-made. She believed in her abilities and reinvented a small-town gawky girl. She made it.

And everyone will ask, ‘Why didn’t she reach out? Why didn’t she seek help?’ And paragraphs will be written about the injustices of the mental health “system,” and the stigma associated with it will come in waves when her name is brought up. But she wasn’t ill. She didn’t drink in excess or use drugs to the point of no return. She wasn’t tortured, and she had a good support system surrounding her.

You see, she was someone overcome with a problem that seemed insurmountable. Maybe not to you or me. And she may have reached out; but in her own way. We’ll never truly know why this happened…when a beautiful, charismatic woman who we think had it all, took it all.blowing  wind

There are always signs leading the path

I remember an attempt to quit drinking after I woke up at my ex-boyfriend’s apartment, covered in bruises after a massive black-out episode. I was in his bed, naked and alone. The contents of my purse were covered in urine.

I swore I wasn’t drinking ever again. To all 6 million of my closest friends.

Until I went to an engagement party that Saturday and suddenly became very bored and terribly sad. It was like a wave washing over me, as I downed diet coke after diet coke and ate and ate and ate and ate. I wandered over to the bar for yet another watered down diet coke and looked around. I was alone.

I asked the bartender for another diet coke, but this time I asked for a little bit of Bacardi. He winked at me. I slurped it down and went back to my table. Not even 5 minutes later I got up again. Back to the bar. It was crowded, but I snuck back by the bartender and asked for a vodka and sprite.

I immediately felt better. My best friend came over and stood next to me. He sniffed my drink. He was already drunk and eyeing me suspiciously. “You’re drinking!” he exclaimed. I tried to defend myself. “No I’m not!”

I was lying now, too? Wow. Now I really had fallen from grace. But I couldn’t stop. I was still so bored and sad, and this was the only way to cure the mediocrity of my life while also numbing the sadness.

I started dancing.