Professional Training

Consultants were hired by my workplace to come in and teach us all how to be more customer service friendly. I took the lead every chance I had to play devil’s advocate and be the difficult voice; making jokes in-between of course.

After the end of the course and the second lesson had concluded, I went up to shake the hands of the 2 male consultants, both in their mid-50’s. The first, from Texas, laughed heartily into my eyes, and said, “Thank you!” The other, from Atlanta, remarked with a large grin, “Thank you! We had a lot of fun with you!”

I guffawed, thanked them both and almost skipped out of the room. The comment pleased me but I had felt poorly about my behavior, which deviated from the group.

Looking back, did I entertain them? Did I pose a challenge? Did it make something monotonous for them more interesting, or were my ideas presented actually meaningful?

I wish I had stuck around to ask, to inquire further, but I had work to do, and I wanted to beat the rain home.

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Bad Actress

Everything stopped. Suddenly.
And that was how the year went.
Men came into her life without any reason other than to take what they needed, perhaps take her to some fancy places, and then slip into obscurity without any good-bye.

The sad girl noticed that she felt less and less every time she dated someone new. Her feelings were disappearing….love was surely gone after the last liar, happiness was only a hope, loneliness had taken a hiatus, “the why” of it all was gone, anger had faded, “the miss” of that special guy was forgotten, and now the last to leave, despair…

She noticed that the men came back in cycles and with each reappearance she would feel even less, and another feeling would be lost. Their reappearances could be just for fun or sometimes promises of a glimmer of something real. The sad girl started not to feel sad anymore… She didn’t feel anything… she didn’t want anyone and made no effort. She’d go home, take off her clothes, wrap herself in her white duvet, and wonder why she couldn’t want or miss any of the men she pined for only weeks prior.

Their reappearances seemed to make the pretending even harder. She couldn’t dig up any feelings to show them. ‘Empty saddles,’ she thought, and shrugged her shoulders as she walked into Duane Reade to buy some candy, with a basket of text messages unreturned. She had nothing to say; she couldn’t even muster up a sarcastic response. Who was she?

The numb girl wandered the streets in her free time, eating her favorite foods, taking classes and having fun. She wondered if, when a good man, the right man, came along, if she’d have any feelings left, if there’d be anything to feel for him, if she would ever be able to feel again, or if he would just have to be in love with a bad actress.

Green-Eyed Despair Full of Love

There was a boy I knew,
When the cool wind blew on the wild nights,
Led to the lazy days where the birds chirped outside the window.
The drinks overflowed with bubbles,
Our crinkled faces were met with friendly faces of toothy grins.

His big, bright, round green eyes
Looked out at me with
Childish curiosity,
Bursting with anxiety and excitement,
Mixed with an intense cloudiness of sadness.

I wanted him to love,
I wanted so much,
Like a child.

His big, bright, peridot gems
Looked out at me with
Fear and such sadness
Paralyzing him and myself in a moment,
A moment of sadness I have never before witnessed in another,
This time,
I needed him to love,
I needed so much,
Like a child on fire,
I would burn him.

I kept away from the wild nights as the wind grew colder,
It didn’t lead to lazy days and the birds left as days grew shorter.

I wanted him to love,
I needed so much,
Like a child I gave and took,
And now he does.

Drinking University: The Key To Keep a Job

I know I’ve been slacking. Alot going on…
I haven’t posted the weekly advice I promised. But I’ll make up for that now. It’s never too late to receive advice.

The key to maintaining a job, whether it’s as a Vice President at Company X or putting together the hamburgers at McDonald’s, is showing up at the time people expect you there. When you arrive at work and you hear, “So-and-so is looking for you,” that’s not a good sign. Yep, just gotta be there, folks. 75% of the battle.

1. Make sure you arrive at work. Get there. Do whatever it takes. Do whatever you physically/mentally/financially need to do the night before/morning of to make sure that you wake up with enough time to get your butt through the door of your workplace so that your face is seen at a time that is normal (for you).

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The second, although not as big, is putting on airs, or keeping up appearances. I suck at this, because my facial expressions always give me away, and I can’t lie to save my life, but you can do much better than me.

You need to never discuss your W’s – the what/who/why/when/where of what took place the evening/morning prior. If anyone asks, you cooked dinner and fell asleep early. You have a: cold, bad allergies, your dog died, the beginnings of the flu, a stomach virus, MAKE SOMETHING UP. Or self-medicate. Two excedrin or Advil the night before and if necessary, Tums the next day. Power through.

2. You also need to keep up the charade the rest of the week, so be a bit mindful.

I’d like to dive more into appearances. When you are put together everyday at work, it makes the rough days even that much easier, and you’re less prone to suspicion. When you have nice things, like designer purses and expensive shoes, no one is going to guess that you’re so hungover a small child could get drunk if you gave them mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. They’re going to think you’re sick, or maybe you’re pregnant!? I’ve actually had colleagues ask me when they noticed I wasn’t feeling well. I’ve erupted into laughter, and then thrown up in the women’s restroom an hour later from sheer panic.

3. So, look nice, EVERYDAY, and make sure to not be that sloppy, dirty girl/guy at work. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you are that person.

The final bit is of course, make sure you get your work done. Pay attention to your email, take your phone with you at all times, and don’t turn it on silent, even if a text message sounds like an earthquake in your brain. Go for a walk around the block if you get sleepy. You’ll live to see another sunrise, and even though you’ll promise yourself you aren’t going to do this again, this will happen again. You’re human and prone to error.

4. Do some work, nothing tedious, nothing in Excel, and anything from higher ups IMMEDIATELY.

Drinking University: Morning After 101

Welcome to Morning After 101!

Now, if you’ve been out drinking or hell, if you’ve been out all night and are reporting for duty with no sleep, here are the game day rules for a massive hangover. This has allowed me to stay gainfully employed.

1. Upon rising, TAKE A SHOWER. Do not skip this. Even if you only have 15 minutes to prepare for wherever you need to be; even if a shower will make you late, a shower must be involved. The reasons for a shower are:

a) it’s worth it – it feels good

b) absolutely necessary. You must wash off whatever occurred. It probably wasn’t just alcohol, you filthy animal.

2. Don’t forget your hair. I can your scowl and I’m scowling with you, ladies. As a long-haired comrade, washing long hair while being massively hungover and knowing that your bed is not the final destination is a painful experience. It must be done. Put your hair in a bun. Just keep thinking about how simple the bun is going to be. Buns are so chic.

You may encounter some roadblocks along your journey to readiness.

A. Lethargy.

After your shower, your bed may try to tempt you with warmth and coziness. This is a distraction. Avoid him and his tricks.  Concentrate on putting on comfortable clothes appropriate for work, and socks. They’ll make you warm. May I suggest leggings and a sweater?

B. Hunger.

Since you probably ate something before bed, you aren’t really hungry, you’re dehydrated. Going from the hot shower to the normal temperature of your bedroom made you nauseous. Sit yourself down with some juice or soda. Do not drink water. You’ll ruin everything. Obtain fluids with chemicals. I highly recommend diet soda or sprite. Caffeine is a miracle-worker.

Good, now you’re dressed and ready for the day! Squirt some Visine in those eyes if they look bloodshot and get our there, buck! The hardest part of the day is to come. 11am!

Note: If you have any desire to exercise, call out and go to bed. You’re way too drunk to go to work.

Whose Fault Is It Anyway?

I know that the article posted on salon.com regarding Kirsten Dunst’s comments about women inviting predators will garner much negative attention, because it isn’t popular to blame women for anything right now.

2014: “Oh, there’s something wrong with the baby? It must be our food supply! Antibiotic-free meat only in this house!”
“Oh, Sally the A+ student was raped by Johnny Be Good while walking around drunk and high wearing a thong and halter top and making out with him all night! Well, he should spend the rest of his life behind bars!”

Shift the history book back 65 years and women were blamed for everything:
“Oh, there’s something wrong with the baby? My wife must have not held him enough! I could see that cold glare!”
“Oh, Sally the A+ student was raped beat up by Johnny Be Good! That’s terrible. But she was asking for trouble staying out late on the wrong side of town and wearing a skirt so short.”

I’m not saying that women should be abused or that our food supply isn’t to blame, but I don’t believe in accidents. I think little Kiki’s quotes were taken out of context. Horrible things, such as forced sex in the movie industry, typically don’t happen by accident. Actresses know that the lunch “meeting” at a private residence with a producer/director/whatever he’s calling himself nowadays means something is going down. A man does not invite a pretty girl to lunch at a house for good conversation, unless the man is your dad, brother, uncle, or close relative.

I like to rethink bad events in my life that I term “happened to me,” because they didn’t happen to me. I was there. I was involved. I wasn’t a vegetable, comatose victim. I was a participant in the bad event. During the time of the event, I felt as if I had no control over the situation, but by being there, I had influence, and sometimes, even acted as the impetus of the terrible situation.

Believing you’re complete innocence in any situation removes culpability/wrongdoing and vindicates you. This provides temporary relief. However, this also eliminates you as a player from the game – it takes away any control you may have had during the event. This leaves you with the feeling that it could not have been prevented, and it could occur again, at any time, and with someone else.

Accepting that you were there, you were present, and you had a role, whether it was positive or negative gives you control into the future. You had an effect on the situation. You have control and you can prevent it from happening again.

Women, as a whole, should recognize how we are perceived by others, the situations that endanger us, and those that place us in a vulnerable role. The world is constantly changing and there is always hope that it will evolve to a better place but for now, this is how it is. Shouldn’t we use it to benefit us, rather than fighting against it?

Drinking University: Welcome!

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Studente/Studentessa,

Welcome to Drinking University! Congratulations on your acceptance! You’ve been accepted based upon your ability to party like a champion on the weekends and slowly watch your professional life disintegrate.

As the Dean of Drinking University, I have been in your place, and I can say that the courses provided here, free of charge, will teach you how to prevent letting everyone in your life know that you have a problem and possibly, end your “problem” altogether.

Luckily, you were rejected by Alcoholism College by lack of disease and addiction. You have the inability to continue drinking into the Monday morning workday AND manage to keep a full-time job, driver’s license and sanity. You’re doing something right. Just try to get somewhere on time. Anywhere, in fact would be a start.

Sincerely,

THE DEAN

xoxo